Hello from Bognor.

[Mimkat]

Hi, My name is Sam. I've had depression on & off for about 15 years & suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember, even as a child. I'm 33 now & I feel like a prisoner to it. I feel like life has passed me by because I've been too scared to join in. I have 2 children that I had when I was quite young but I've not had a partner in 10 years & I don't have any friends. I don't know how to make friends. I feel like such a sad case writing that but it's how it is. I feel as if everyone else knows how to make friends & enjoy life, like there are rules that nobody told me about. I feel so anxious when I'm in social situations though. I want to relax & enjoy myself but I can't. I'm so tense, conscious of everything I do or say, very self critical, always an internal sense of panic going on, very aware of anything critical said to me, frightened to speak to people I don't know. I could go on & on but I won't, lol.  Social situations are such an horrible time for me I generally avoid them but I am so bloody lonely! On the few occasions I have gone out afterwards I beat myself up continuously over how dull & boring I must have seemed. I went out recently on a Fri night & spent Sat & Sun in tears. I started college last year but found that really difficult. I left recently, just couldn't cope anymore. It was a girl from college who invited me out & I haven't seen her since. I'm too embarrassed because I was such a scared little mouse all night. I will never be the life & soul of the party but in my ideal world I would like to make some friends, be able to enjoy a night out without it turning me into a basket case & dance! I see people dance & I would love to join in but I just can't! I did once & somebody laughed, she said I danced like an old lady, I haven't done it since.
I feel so restricted by this constant feeling of anxiety & worry. I hide away from life & that's not how I want it to be. I don't really know how to change it though.
Sorry for going on a bit, believe me I could easily write so much more!  I'm hoping there are other people who understand how I feel & maybe people who have felt like this & improved their lives.
Thank you for reading.

[Noisy]

Hi Sam. Welcome to the forum. 

I recognise so much of what you have written. I've had similar experiences myself. I'm making slow but steady progress after five or six years of isolation. You describe the discomfort of social situations so well. I'm at the stage now where it's 'fifty fifty' wether or not I'll clam up and panic in social situations or just sprout a load of verbal diohorrea that somehow gets me through!

Isolation is a horrible and self perpetuating thing. I've been very socially isolated since I became ill. Even with my family here I've felt very far removed from reality. I'm lucky that my girlfriend and children have stuck with me through these very difficult times. My stress and moodiness and depression have undoubtedly affected their quality of life greatly but, as I recover now, I can see that even the very worst times were somehow worth it. I'm starting to re-integrate back into the outside world and, more importantly, becoming more able to be involved in the family life that I used to hide from.

We've recently added a 'meet-ups' section to the site and I hope that you'll post there. Maybe someone from Bognor will see it or maybe you could make it to Brighton. This forum is steadily expanding so don't be dis-heartened if you don't get a response at first. You might get one later! Anyway, the idea would be for some of us to meet up for a chat and without pressure. God knows that we give ourselves enough of that.
I wonder if it would be liberating for us to sit in a room together, knowing that every other person was pooping themselves just about being there?

Are you still in contact with your children, Sam? Are you getting out? What do you do everyday?
Have you received any treatment for you problems?

Please don't tell anyone Sam but I couldn't dance to save my life. Before I was thirty, I used to jump around like a lunatic on the dancefloor at the mere sniff of a groovy tune. But, now ... it just aint happening! Someone stole my mojo!

Thanks for being so honest, Sam. I hope that you'll post more of you're experiences soon.

Best wishes,
Martin. 

[ems]

  Hello Sam,

        Nice to meet you. If its any consolation I'd probably isolate me myself if I lived in Bognor too !  I mean it doesn't seem the most conducive place to socailise. I used to get socially anxious I think I've grown out of it a bit - I look at anxiety like a impudent attention seeking child, I'm sure it has something important to telll me but it can save it for the therapy room.

   I do go out a fair bit, but never really to 'Socialise' I do it to watch live music, or because I'm interested in a talk going on. I don't meet many people who can socialise without some kind of front or cover if that makes sense. I consider anyone who can discuss their feelings with honesty , as you do ,especially with people they don't know, to have great social skills .

                 Look forward to talking with you more,            Ems x

[Capricorn]

Hi Sam

I have just read your message and really feel for you. Chronic anxiety is the most debilitating and awful thing to suffer from and unlike a physical ailment which you can explain to people, anxiety is hard to explain and unless someone has suffered with it they will not understand.

I have suffered with depression, anxiety and used to have bad OCD but am loads better right now, its been a constant battle. I found having cognitive behavioural therapy really helped me and it taught me to think more positively about myself instead of always feeling like a useless failure, a feeling I have carried since childhood. I have wasted many years being frightened to face things, but I have turned a corner recently and at the moment am doing a lot of positive things and am trying to make myself face some of my fears bit by bit.

I would really recommend speaking to your doctor and explaining how you feel and he can explain about how to go about getting cognitive behavioural therapy as it does help so much. The loneliness is dreadful and a feeling of being on the outside, I do understand and you are not alone. Please let me know how you are and are getting on, best wishes Eli x