So Martin said 'why don't you start a blog in the introduction area and see if it catches on' (or something similar).... of course my first reaction was 'omg dont make me do that all on my own' - but at the same time I love writing, i'm not particularly eloquent but just like that I can reach out, share myself, without even having to change out of my jammies!
So.... without further ado... if you don't like it, ignore, if your the least big intregued to peek inside some randomers mind - read on.
Maybe I should start with who I am? Why I'm here? well to answer the latter one - around 24 years ago there was a man and a wo.. k, maybe not that far back. :p
I moved recently.... just over two weeks ago. I'm not really new to brighton, being a student I kinda go between here and my home town in the midlands... but anyhow, for a multitude of reasons I ended up with nowhere to live (perhaps mainly 'theres no way im ever coming back to uni ever again' had something to do with it.) So two weeks ago I moved in with three people I never met before.... how scary is that??? From past experience, I know full well that the first few months are crutial.... I made the mistake last year of turning down too many invites for socialization... and of course they stop coming. Which is good... you can do your own thing, you don't need to worry about getting into hard situations... and oneday you look around and realize just how lonely you are.
So... right now I'm trying so hard to ignore the little negativities in my head. The day I joined here was the worst, I'd been upstairs reading and my housemates had come home.... and just hearing them downstairs paniced me... so I stayed upstairs... then I wanted a smoke (because I am a filthy chain smoker) but couldnt get out into the garden without walking past them. Which made the panic worse. So eventually I had to leave the house, into my car which is my safe haven. Driving around for a few hours, even stopping at asda... thank god I didnt bump into anyone because I was so jumpy and worked up (I love asda btw, I have no issue with other people as long as I dont hafta talk to them), driving back eventually... by buying some milk that would force me to go into the kitchen, promised myself I'd be social. The house was dark and empty... everyone was out having fun.... And once again loneliness crept over.
Since then its been better. Having to study for re-sits has been an advantage... locking yourself away for hours is percieved as studious rather than unfriendly. My housemates really are nice people, and its going good. Scary, but good.
This year i'm determined to be the girl I want to be... get out there, build friendships, have a life rather than a pitiful existance.... monday's my first goal... the meet. Eeeks, how terrifying! I mean, im surrre everyone will be nice right? But theres so many 'what if's' -- what if I just stand outside? what if I make a **** out of myself trying to find the right group? What if everyone looks me up and down and decides they all suddenly have to be somewhere else? What if my silence is so awkward I go back into hiding? ... :/
After than... next goal is wednesday.... the 'explorers club'... they do stuff like climbing and canoeing and... well all the stuff I'd really enjoy if I didnt feel so nervous all the time. Its 'newcomers night'... I'm trying to persuade the bit in my mind that tells me to hide away that if I force myself to go a few times, I *might* actually start having fun. :/
Sooo... thats the start of my bloggy. Not the most enchantingly interesting.... but thb I haven't left the house in a few days and unless anyone wants to hear how utterly p***ed off I am my car got clamped (when I had a ticket - grrr!) thats your lot!
