hello from eastbourne :)

[Nick]

Hi,

I'd like to know if others with chronic anxiety suffer the same chronic fatigue and short term memory problems that I do? Is it a case of where one is, the other follows?  I have fatigue 99% of the time (except when drunk lol), which I think is mainly down to my anxious and mildly depressed state of mind. 

I'm officially classified as a CFS/ME sufferer, but I feel like more of an impostor amongst fellow sufferers now, as I don't believe I have a 'neurological disease'.  Which is a good thing!  I can do more about anxiety and mild depression than I can about a disease with no cure.  I do have social anxiety around groups of people, but I have found alcohol to be a wonderful cure to this problem!  But I can't remain drunk all the time lol.   ... especially if I want to work.  Yes, this problem prevents me being employed, which isn't helping my self esteem !

I'm hoping to make friends here

Nick

[Noisy]

Hi Nick, Welcome to the forum!

Yep, I get short term memory loss memory loss bad at remembering things too! I find it to be much worse when I'm anxious ....... which is most of the time!

I once read that stoned people find it easier to remember things that happened when they were stoned, when stoned again.
I feel as if anxiety causes a similar effect but worse! i.e. We get into a different state of mind when under the influence of anxiety. The problem is .... when anxious... our minds concentrate only on the threats and filter out any extraneous information ....... such as life, keys, appointments! 

The whole ME/CFS subject is very interesting. I watched some great video lectures about ME and I found myself totally relating to it. I haven't been diagnosed with ME and I don't think I have it but there are definitely similarities.
Anxiety itself can be super mega madly exhausting. It's amazing how much energy you can burn when anxious.

This is not the most extreme example but probably is good evidence ........
I often attend appointments that make me feel VERY anxious and panicky. Once there, it's very rarely as bad as I'd imagined and I begin to 'come down' form the anxiety and relax. It's then that I very suddenly get EXTREMELY hungry. My body desperately needs to replace the lost energy almost as desperately as it wanted me to avoid the perceived danger.
The depression that often haunts people with anxiety can be very draining too.

I'm sure that you're not an imposter. There are just varying degrees of anxiety, depression, ME/CFS and in varying combinations. Maybe the drinking helps the anxiety ...... maybe the anxiety makes the ME worse? Just a crazy guess. 

I'm out of work too and I understand what you say about self-esteem. I'm trying to overcome this by helping other people (I don't get paid, there is no pressure,) and training. Voluntary work seems attractive to me because it looks better on the CV than a blank space ( I have a massive blank space myself) and ,once again, comes with less pressure than paid work.

Welcome again,
Martin. 

[Nick]

Thanks for welcoming me Martin.  I think you're doing sterling work, trying to help others.  There's nothing more valuable than that!

Sorry to hear you're just as forgetful as me!   I sometimes find myself running around like a headless chicken trying to find my keys lol.  It's that pesky 'fight of flight' mechanism again ... who cares about keys when you're facing down a lion!  Just run damn it! lol  I guess our ancestors had different troubles to deal with.

Interesting what you said about stoned people and memory.  I have a similar story.  2yrs back (as a mature student), I had some physics homework to do.  Couldn't understand it! (my maths wasn't up to much anyhow)  I drunk a pint, and suddenly it made total sense.  The teacher gave me 100%!  I often joked that all I needed in my a-level exams was a good pint of beer ... but I wasn't kidding.  I wished they'd served Carling Shandy with the exam papers.  Now I may sound like an alcoholic, but I actually never drink ... except when socializing in pubs.  I wouldn't want to become reliant on drink - but I think about how I feel when I'm slightly drunk and wish I could feel that same level of calm normally.  How different my life would be!  It's so alien to me to feel calm that when i do, it's the most wonderful thing.  It's like stepping into another world. 

I also tried Valium once, now there's another world!  Chilled out dude.

I find the CFS/ME debate interesting, as the symptoms seem to overlap psychological disorders, like GAD and Somatisation Disorder.  A few years ago, if you'd mentioned this to me, you'd probably get an angry response along the lines of ...  "It's not all in my head!"  As if, simply thinking happy thoughts would take my painful physical symptoms away.  But I've learnt that my emotional state can have an influence over my symptoms, albeit - not instantly.  There's a time delay. 

I think the biggest change is that I now no longer believe my physical symptoms are anything more than extreme examples of stress symptoms and so are not dangerous.  This also means I can use stress management techniques to control them - e.g. exercise, relaxation and cbt.  The funny thing is, when I pushed myself very hard and experienced severe symptoms - it was fear of a 'relapse' (prolonged period of increased symptoms/bed rest) that would actually cause me to go into relapse.  If managed to calm myself down by convincing myself that the symptoms were simply stress symptoms and I wasn't going to have a relapse, after 20-30 minutes rest, the symptoms would reduce back to low levels.  This removed the restrictions that my illness placed on me, because it no longer could inflict "pay back" for overdoing it.   Whether this could apply to others, I really do not know!   There may be different types of CFS.  It's a very sensitive topic.

Nick.

[under_the_duvet]

hello Nick,
Interesting reading......not that I have the faintest idea what soma-whatsit is or GAD!  I just want to say, tha yes, I'm the same with the chronic fatigue, totally debilitating. it's frustrating sometimes when friends tell me it's the body telling me to rest, making me heal, self-healing organism & all that....for months???  surely not?
Ditto the memory/ concentration thing.  I've tried writing some stuff a few times this year & just don't seem to be able to engage my brain.

I feel you guys are a bit more insightful  -or a bit m,ore knowledgable, at least, than I am. I know it's not a knowledge competition, but I'm feeling small.

am I just being negative?
teep

[Nick]

I love your name "under_the_duvet"!! lol  Sorry for you, but I'm glad to hear I'm not alone with the fatigue/concentration/memory problem thing - whatever *it* actually is!  It sounds as though we're suffereing very similar conditions.  What name(s) do you give your condition? 

Btw, G.A.D. is Generalised Anxiety Disorder.  I found a great link on it here : http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx24t.htm

I have terrible trouble engaging my brain too.  I'm trying to program some web software at the moment and I'm having to do it in 5 minutes bursts and do all my thinking on paper, as my short term memory is "offline".  I'm not normally this bad, but I'm changing medication and feeling more anxious than normal.   I can make progress, but it's so painfully slooooooow.  I'd be hopeless as an employee lol. 

Occasionally, when I really get into something, I'm able to do it for hours at a time ... but those times come rarely.  If only I could tap into that *all* the time!  Of course, i know how ... just become an alcoholic programmer lol.

You mentioned Day Hospital in your other post.  What kind of help are they offering you? 

I can hear your low esteem in what you write, about feeling like a failure.  I have similar feelings and I think it's partly the stigma associated with any kind of mental illness.  People often associate psychological disorders with being weak or think that people are to blame.  I frequently encounter such attitudes and they seep under your skin.  But I have to remind myself that they are ignorant of what it's really like to suffer one of these conditions.  We should not feel like failures anymore than some one with a broken leg should.

Nick. 



 

[under_the_duvet]

hi Nick,

Thanks for the reply& link about GAD. That's actually what I have been diagnosed with (alongside extreme depression -wish it was as much fun as extreme ironing!)...& I didn't know what the acronym meant!! duh.
I don't use any names like that mysefl, praps I should.  I tell people I'm "pretty ill" & been signed off for a year & leave it there.  I take the p*** when talking to the friends/relations who are in the know & use very un-p.c. names as a form of irony & a sort of challenge.  & maybe it's reclaiming those names in some way?  who knows....like "people of colour" , ahem, who use the word ******. It's a word that black people can reclaim.  Like when Ian Dury called himself a spastic. (you're too young! lol).

You ask about the Day Hospital. (are you in Brighton?).  There's different aspects, & I'm sure others here know more than me, or have different experiences.  Various group CBT-based courses are offered.  About 5 weeks long : Dealing with Crisis / Understanding Anxiety /Problem solving. There are also practical creative courses to encourage interaction with others : Art /clay /crafts /writing. You are assigned a particular nurse, who generally sees you once a week for an hour. The people who work there are very supportive & caring, I'm not so sure about the whole system though.

How's the drinking?

teep

[Nick]

Hi Teep, The Day Hospital sounds pretty good!  Is it helping?  Anything they could do better?  Only thing you didn't mention is exercise, which I find helps my state of mind A LOT.  If I'm feeling anxious ... I go for a walk and focus on inconsequential things (nice cars, pretty girls lol).  If I'm really anxious, I cycle or jog.  If I'm really really anxious I run whilst drinking vodka!! lol.  ... Ok, i fibbed on the last one.

Do you think you joke about it cos you're ashamed of saying you have a psychological illness?  Or do you think it's just good to laugh about it?  Being diagnosed with CFS, I have a fairly 'non-psychological' label to give people if they ask ... but I know the truth.  It's strange that i'm less comfortable saying I have depression or anxiety.  Even to my doctor! lol.

Nick.

[zube]

.....is it wrong i think running whilst drinking a bottle of vodka a fantastic idea lol...


Hi Nick,

I'm from Eastbourne too, i suffer with Panic disorder and agorophobia. i'm quite lucky as im not house bound and manage day to day life quite well but until last year i had Eastbourne as my safe barrier and i hadnt left there for at least 6 years. My father in law died last year and i couldnt go to his funeral and this has led to the break down of my marriage, this isnt a great illness to have when trying to deal with relationships!! Have been continuing CBT on my own after a few months of counselling with a pyschologist and it's really working for me.  I have managed to get to hastings on a train, something i havnt been able to do for years.  Next step, in the next couple of weeks, is to go there by myself and then next destination to work my way to Brighton and shall continue to break my barriers.

I think humour has helped alot and the more i've let down my guard and talked about this the less power it seems to have over me. ive spent all my adult life hiding my panic attacks and then my agorophobia making excuses hoping nobody notices.  now i describe myself as a wierdo and it makes me feel loads better lol. i talk about what im feeling and not everyone understands but some people do, panic is much more a wide spread thing than i ever imagined.  There is nothing i like better than to watch people's faces when they are planning a day out and i say "thats it lets pick on the agoraphobic she cant go" because ive decided i shouldnt feel embarressed, i am ill and i dont need to apoligise for it. The more people understand the more easier my life will become.  I think ive stopped feeding the spiralling fear of "what if people find out if im wierd" by jsut confessing in the first place, its their choice in how they deal with it.

Also, i hope that if i do go back to how i was before, i think i know now how to make the first steps.Ive proved to myself  setting small goals and exposing yourself to panic situations does work. im not saying i will ever be cured but i do know how to make my life have more quality. The achievements ive made, especially over the last few months, have been amazing (laughable to some of my friends- last night i went to polegate i chirped happily of my first achivement- imagine the response lol)  but truly fantastically life changing as we all know....


Tracey x

[disco-very]

hello Nick....& Tracey
It's teep again, but I have already re-invented myself on here.  Gotta laugh, I've been having anxiety over my posts & wished I hadn't said certain things.  Mainly though, I thought about it & my posts were pretty negative, even my name, "under_the_duvet", though an accurate description of my life this year & meant to be comical, affirmed the negative.

Anyways, I thought about what you said Nick, about perhaps feeling shame.....& you were right.  I was mildly mocking myself, no bad thing, but it went deeper.

I also did the ol' "what's the point" (of being in the forum) in my head quite a lot.  Also trying to run away or staying safe within my illness.

teep

[Nick]

Hi Tracy,

Great to hear from a fellow sufferer so close to home!  I'm really glad to hear CBT is helping you.  Yeah, setting small goals and exposing yourself to stressful or panicky situations does seem to work for me too.  Well done for getting to Polegate and Hastings!  I understand the achievement ;o)  I remember when just walking along my road at home felt like stepping into a war zone.  Scary at first, but great!

I went to the Anxiety Meet up in brighton yesterday (Wed 19th March) and I'm really glad I did -> See Thread
http://brightonanxietyforum.com/forum/index.php/topic,33.30.html
I thoroughly enjoyed being in the company of people "who understand", even if we all thought we looked far too "normal" lol.   I think we hide it well, but in this company, it really doesn't matter if you don't.

If you feel up to it one week, I could show you where it is?  It's a 20min train ride (?7 return) and the cafe is near the station.  Very relaxed atmosphere and just a few, very nice people.

I'll have to try calling myself a 'weirdo' too!  ... although people might take it the wrong way lol.  Perhaps I've been too sensitive about hiding my illness.  Meeting others like me has helped already.

Nick.

[Nick]

Hi Teep, I love the new name 'disco-very' - Very positive!

Please don't feel anxious about your posts, although I'm one to talk! ... I'm refreshed by your honesty and have enjoyed reading them.  It's better to be honest about how you feel.   That way we can help each other instead of pretending to be better than we are.  Having talked to others, it seems common to worry about what we write in posts ... the edit rate on this forum must be amongst the highest on the net! lol.  If Martin banned "edit" we'd all have nightmares!

As you've heard from Tracy, joking about her illness has helped her and i'm going to try it ... cautiously ... As long as I don't feel I'm putting myself down in front of others, it can't hurt.  I think I've been too sensitive about my condition for a while now.  That's why I was asking how you felt joking about it.

Take Care,

Nick.

p.s. anyone had any experience of the drug Buspirone?  I may be trying it in a few months.

[Capricorn]

Hi Nick it was so nice to see you and Martin for the bike ride yesterday and it did me the world of good.

This morning I woke up and felt like I was back at square one and so thankful for this forum and the friends I have made on here....people who understand and don't judge. The OCD thoughts and anxiety are really bad again today and I'm afraid I have given in to it so didn't go out and went to lie down to stop the panic. Just trying to be as positive as possible under the circumstances and saying to myself it will be better again tomorrow, nothing to fear etc.

None of these thoughts and feelings ever make any sense, totally illogical!!!

Anyway, see you soon, hopefully at the Wednesday meet where I hope to be more chilled and relaxed again (fingers crossed)......Eli