unsettling hair

[zigzag]

i often feel troubled by hair.  head hair mostly.  it unsettles me that it's dead but still growing.  finding hair brushes and hairbands in the kitchen creeps me out, and i don't like sitting behind people with long hair on the bus.  it bothers me a lot that i might get their hair in my mouth.  mostly i don't mind my own long hair, just other people's, but sometimes i am tempted to do a britney.  does anyone else find hair unsettling?

[zigzag]

Today I have had a very bad day with hair.  I have really hated my own hair (and my head as they seem to go together).  Often when I look in the mirror, somehow I can?t make my hair/head/face and my body fit together in my mind.  I don?t know which is more me and I can?t handle that they both are.  That would be way too integrated.   I don?t really know why bringing two things together makes me so anxious (although having typed this I think perhaps I do).  Anyway today I have really hated my hair and wished I could bring myself to tear it out, to shave it off, to not have to deal with this troublesome aspect of myself, (which my therapist tells me is linked to my femininity - he is probably right but I can?t bear to think about it).  Today I wish I was dead (don?t worry, won?t act on this!), or that I had no head or that I was a boy and had hair like this   

Sorry if this is too silly or weird to post, but it does help to say it out loud.  I have felt this way for years and never taken it seriously, always mocked myself about it, but it really, really distresses me. 

[cyclegirl]

Obviously don't recommend removing head. Makes walking difficult. But why not shave it off or perm it or do something with it then? Change it. You can have hair like this  if you want too...might prove difficult to stick a hat on it though.  I'm curious as to why you don't.

I've hacked away at my hair in not so good ways (check out painting 'untitled' ha!) but it was an attempt to hack away at my thoughts. Hmmm. Luckily there's not much to hack away these days...I do miss my golden locks. Not.

I hope you have a better hair day today x

[zigzag]

i don't change it cos it's not really about what my hair looks like, it's about being able to accept different parts of me and whatever hair represents.  even though i hate my hair etc at times i don't want to get rid of it, i want to find a way to accept it until it no longer has such significance (then hairstyles are just that).   at the moment, even if i made my hair like this  or shaved it off, or had it any other way, i would still be dissatisfied cos in my mind it wouldn't fit with my body or other parts of me on the inside.  (also you so know this would not be a good look for me, hat or no hat! )

i just feel really anxious and despairing about how to bring different parts of me together - insides and outsides, feminine and masculine (aagh! even to think of these co-existing in me freaks me out). i don't really know how else to explain it.  it/I all feels so weird to me.  i think some of these things are real worries and confusions from my childhood that i have never articulated before, so it feels unfamiliar weird to say them and they sound a bit weird when expressed cos they are an adult grappling with a child's thoughts and feelings.  hey-ho, if i become any clearer what it is about, i will let you know....

[cyclegirl]

hmmmm why do you need to be one part or another? They can just all be, can't they? *scratches head* I get thats what you're trying to accept. Most ponderous.

[zigzag]

i think ultimately it's about models of relationship that I have inside my mind.  if you have an idea two people can coexist peacefully and relate in a loving way, then bringing two things together seems like a good thing to do.  whereas, if like me, you have a mind that still has images and ideas of people coming together in ways that are abusive, violent, raping and murderous, lurking within, then it's not so appealing.  keeping things apart becomes about self preservation.  it all comes back to abuse and how it penetrates and troubles the mind in all sorts of insidious ways.  i think that's what it is about hair, how it can sneak its way into all sorts of places, which triggers these much deeper worries and unsettles me.  is that follow-able?

[cyclegirl]

yep, it is follow-able but I like to have the last word 

[zigzag]

   this one might run and run then

[cyclegirl]

...but I think you will get bored before I do 

[zigzag]

yawn....zzzz! 

[cyclegirl]

ok, I will let you win 

[zigzag]

zzzz!

[cyclegirl]

*throws cushion*

[zigzag]

zzzz!

[cyclegirl]

stop doing that! or I will squash your little red walky man