Struggling to go on right now!!!

[Capricorn]

I have been doing all the right things to combat this blackness I feel most days......writing, cycling, volunteering, new trainings to start, seeing friends, BAF and my OCD group, support places like the Allen Centre but nothing is taking away this inner fear and darkness. They messed up my CBT waiting list and now they reckon the wait is over a year, my finances are really bad and the latest trigger has been my mum sending me a really nasty card through the post when I sent her a letter opening up my true feelings and trying to build bridges with her. I also got interested in someone who doesnt see me that way and I think the build up of everything has been so overwhelming I am just about coping and feel terribly isolated.

Mt cleaning(OCD) is how I cope with inner feelings of rejection and that self loathing feeling I carry, OCD is a symptom I suppose of everything else. I am pushing myself but inside I feel like I want to give up. The loneliness and sadness are unbearable right now. Don't want this to sound like a self pity thread as I know loads of people feel this way and much worse. It just helps to share as I feel really scared of everything at the moment and just wish I could get the right help but can't afford to go private, it's catch 22.

I love the group but when I feel like this I feel very overwhelmed in a large group, also the person I got attached to goes there so I know that would upset me, another catch 22. Thankyou for reading, we all have our inner demons to deal with and are all at different stages, I also know that relapses are very common with mental health issues. I send hugs.....Ellie

[cyclegirl]

 You have friends here who hear you. Hang in there xx

[bobble]

Hi Ellie,
(on my pnone so it's not easy to type).
Sorry to hear your feeling down. It was really nice chatting with you when I last met you. You talked about some of the good things in your life. Maybe you could look over that list again.
These feelings will pass, as they always do. Could you do somthing right now that is loving and caring for your self? You deserve it!
Also going back to our chat. The nice things you said to me really meant a lot to me and are still with me, thank you.
Call me, if you need to talk. Google my trade, you'll find my site with my number or Pete has it.
Take care, Bobble. x

[Capricorn]

Thankyou for your kind words cycle girl and bobble...much appreciated xx

[stresspuppy]

Hi Capricorn, sounds like you've got lots your juggling and who wouldn't feel overwhelmed!

so...
perhaps break it down into smaller manageable bits so you don't feel so dragged down? Are you trying to do too much and this would contribute to being overwhelmed. What feels manageable just now - even if it's just one thing, it's a start.

It sounds very frustrating - like you know you've lots to offer (you do!) and desparately searching for a channel for it. You can take this slow and this may also help make you feel more in control? you're sounding like your in multi-tasking overload, step down a gear or two - be gentle with yourself - it's not a race.

The isolation you feel - again, it almost sounds like your caught up in the 'to do' list and this is more task orientated and less nurturing than the human contact we all need. It's dissapointing to have that reaction from your mother, someone once told me that sometimes we have to forgive our parents for letting us down and not being 'better' parents. Accepting what has been and realising we have the power within us to move on.

[zigzag]

hi Capricorn,

sometimes when i feel a lot of fear and darkness, and it just won't go away, i eventually try to go into these feelings by using visualisation or focusing.  i have found both of these helpful at times.  they can make me feel more soothed that i am trying to listen to myself, and sometimes i learn something i didn't know about specifics behind how i am feeling which helps things shift.  they don't have to cost anything as you can do them yourself.  if you haven't come across focusing before, you might get a book on it in the library or i am happy to lend you mine, there's probably stuff on the internet too.

it is so hard when the people you want to be close to, are the people it is also painful and upsetting to be around, when loneliness seems the best option.  i know it takes time to get over feeling rejected, to bear the sadness of wanting a closer connection with someone else than they want or can allow, and regain your confidence.  but i really hope things start to feel less overwhelming for you soon and you feel able to come back to the meetings.  hugs x

[Capricorn]

Thankyou everyone for the kind words.

I have just started reading a really good book about internalized shame by a guy called John Bradshaw it is really helping me understand the spiral I get caught up in. I am also trying very hard to practise positive affirmations over and over in my mind when a scary thought or feeling comes in. I had a scary OCD moment this morning but tried really hard to rationalise the thought and wrote lots down..it all helps take the edge of the fear.

It's a good feeling to know people understand and have experienced similar doesn't feel quite so isolating. Thankyou again...Ellie x