Hello everyone

[misskeen]

I've recently moved to the area, and here's my story

I've been trawling the web doing bits of self diagnosis (I can't believe it took me so long) and I came across this forum.  I thought, I just have to join.
Basically, I've had enough of how I feel affecting my everyday enjoyment of life.  I've put up with it for so long its like I turn myself off and zone out to cope with it
but I just want to be able to stop over analysing everything and everyone and feel relaxed and happy in my own skin.  For around 10 years I've suffered from anxiety and
an overwhelming, all consuming feeling that from the moment I walk into certain situations, to the moment I leave, people are judging me in a negative way.

I've also felt extremely depressed at times, but also.. I've also felt very happy at times too. I have a wonderful relationship with my mother, I have 2 best friends and many others
(although I rarely see lots of them due to me moving around so much) and also, a great relationship.  This is why it seems so confusing that I have these constant underlying feelings of negativity, anxiety, worthlessness and sometimes I just never want to see anybody.

Its strange, I have travelled around the world happily on my own and with friends confidently, and somehow, these feelings are alot less prominent when I'm off on an adventure. 
But my problem is everyday life... work, being with work collegues, this causes me so much anxiety and its getting a lot worse lately with panic attacks and huge feelings of depression.  I just spend far too much time at work and in other certain social situations worrying and thinking, over analysing, that I don't enjoy it at all.  Its been this way for 10 years in pretty much every job I've had, and I'm worried its going to really hold me back from progressing, as I'm doing a Masters now and finally working out what it is I want to do for a career.  I just feel like people don't understand the condition and realise how it makes me feel at all, not that I've ever even discussed this with anyone before... so why would they understand??

I just wish I could overcome these feelings!  I'm sure many people here can relate to this.

Anyway, I thanks for listening and I hope you all have a good christmas

[Noisy]

Hi Jen, Welcome to the forum.

I think you're right that a lot of people here will relate to your experiences a I know that I do. It seems like you might be keeping a lot of this stuff to yourself so I was wondering have you ever considered seeking professional help or advice with these feelings?

[misskeen]

Hi, thanks for the welcome.

Yes I think its come to the point where I want seek some kind of therapy.  The new year will be a positive move forward I think, mainly to be pro active instead of ignoring the problem like I have done for so many years!

Does anyone know if the doctors is the best place to begin?

[Noisy]

It's good to hear your positivity Jen.  

Yes, (as far as I'm aware,) to get referred on to NHS services the first place to go would be your G.P.

Maybe as a student you could access counselling services through your uni or private services are available at varying costs.

[cyclegirl]

Heya Jen. Glad you found us here.

I have work woes too. Lots! but have to say that having the CBT is really helping unravel some of it (even though I don't like doing the homework bit - i never get any gold stars pah). Hope some form of therapy also helps you.

Cheerio

[Dreaming]

Hi Jen and welcome to the forum. I know all too well the work anxiety and the dealing with work colleagues. Congrats on the masters! To me you sound very ambitious and focused I def think you could benefit from some CBT to work out the underlying issues surrounding feeling judged. Once you have a better understanding of where its stems from you will be able to tackle it more effectively.

Nice to see you here

Take care,

Mia

[bobble]

Hi Jen, welcome to the forum. It's good your facing the issues head on, asking questions and wanting to move on. It's good that dispite your anxieties you're still out there in the world, looking after your needs.
I totally identify with what you say about being confident travailing around but finding it more difficult in daily living. For me that's to do with intimacy. For example my first meet up (vie this this site) was surprisingly easy but with each meet up things got harder for me. I think this is because stuff starts to matter. On the first meet up I had nothing to loose because, nothing had yet been built up. Now things are different, I have build up connections with some amazing people and I fear ****ing it up - I have heightened self-conciousness.  
Hope you post some more and can make it to a meet up.

Bobble.