I've careered off track again

[stacey]

Hi guys,

I haven't been on here for some time partly because I've been feeling ok or because I've been feeling so worthless that I have no faith in the words that I am typing.

It's been a really tough couple of weeks for me and I have descended into the darkness once more. It's strange because when I feel "ok" or strong or in control or just content I cannot imagine what being anxious, guilt and shame ridden and depressed must be like. Right now it's all too real and to be honest I'm at the end of my tether. I had a bout of depression from august to october 2010 after moving from brighton to london and after upping my dose of citalopram from 10 - 30mg and seeing a holistic therapist I found myself coming out the other side about two months ago. Suddenly everything was completely different. I felt like a different person, free of guilt, anxiety, able to enjoy life again, looking forward to the future, even enjoying social occasions such as dinner and house parties. I was doing so well that I started to think about ending my therapy and weening myself off the meds. My destructive, abusive inner voice had been calmed, even tamed and I felt as if I was on the way to learning new ways of dealing with the possible (or inevitable) future onset of depression/anxiety.

I'm pretty certain that I have body dysmorphia - I think this came from my time at an all boys catholic school where I just never fitted in. So about a month or so ago my inner voice re-awakened and instead of attacking me for who I was or what I did or said it started to abuse me for how I looked - my hair, my wonky teeth, my clothing, etc, etc, etc. This pernicious voice finally found some ammunition when two weeks ago in a fit of insecurity and obsessive self consciousness I had a sexual encounter with an old friend/ lover. I knew at the time that this was wrong but I was out of control and I needed some kind of affirmation. After the event I felt such intense guilt, shame, weakness and self loathing that it was quite easy for the voice to just sidle back in.....

Sorry, I feel that I am ranting...

What can I learn from this? Perhaps that I have never actually learnt how my behaviour can lead to me flying off the rails. I think I have always prided myself on doing the right thing, or at least trying to do the right thing. In other words being good to myself and others but sometimes I make mistakes and sometimes my mind and my decisions are so clouded by anxiety and fear that I just dont know what I'm doing. Is that a copout?

As a fellow SA and depression sufferer I'm so glad to know that this forum exists. It makes me feel ever so slightly less alone. I can only write from my perspective but I will say that somehow the anxiety and darkness passes, the hardest thing is trying to hang on to the lightness and positivity when it's there (i dont know about any of you but I just take it for granted!). I wish you all a peaceful, positive and anxiety free 2011.

 

[Alexandra]

Having a relapse doesn't mean you've failed. Would you be able to see the therapist that helped you again? There is no shame in having a bit more therapy even after you've 'recovered'. Recovery after all, is an ongoing process and something you have to maintain. It's not something that just happens one day and then that's it. You got out of this before, so you'll be able to get out of this again.

As for the BDD, in my experience what you have to learn to do is accept that what you see, isn't what everyone else sees. It's difficult but until you can get over it, that's what you have to do. Let the logical side of your brain take over.

[stacey]

Thanks for your reply Alexandra. I am continuing to see my therapist and I am still on the 30mg of citalopram so I am hopeful that with time this will pass. However with so much experience and occurence of this disease I cant help but think that I'll have to endure another month to two months of living hell. Sorry, not feeling too positive about things right now.

Thanks for your advice about the BDD. I know that when I get into an obsessive state with my appearance it's illogical but sometimes the feelings are so powerful that they are impossible to shake off. I will be working through this with my therapist for the next few weeks and with hope I will begin to learn ways of dealing with it.

[stresspuppy]

Hi Stacey, Welcome back to the forum and sorry to hear you feel you've gone off-track, think we all get that feeling As Alexandra's said relapse doesn't mean you've failed, it might feel like a set-back and sometimes I think these set-backs are there for a reason - something's reminding us that we can move forward but perhaps there's some reinforcement work that needs to be done  we might not know what it is but something is pulling us back because somehow we're allowing it to? I know sounds self-destructive. A lot of anxious behaviours seem to feed on the insecurities that we're almost more comfortable with (as in used to) and even when we think we've moved away from behaviour, it can creep back up on us and/or suddenly surprise us 

Self-compassion is perhaps the way to go when you feel you're always trying so hard to do the 'right' thing. Can we ever do the 'right' thing? someone out there will always question the decisions we make and whether it was the 'right' decision to make. Trying to be 'perfect' is the way of madness, well it certainly feels maddening at times 

This is a very difficult time of year/s - the passing of one the promise of another and I wonder if there is any correlation between this time of year and perhaps triggers that have contributed towards your relapse?