Hi Musicman, I have been meaning to answer your question about my experience with pushing through my fears for a while, here it is (my dyslexia seams bad today so I hope it's readable (just a note on (my) dyslexia: When I'm at my most dyslexic, I'm at my most creative and so write more creative but because I'm more dyslexic the editing isn't as good)):
My fear pushes usually come about after the pop of what I call frustration bubbles. I basically get so frustrated with my life not being as I want it to be that I snap. The snap is usually an event that makes me say something like 'that's it, **** it, can't take this any more!' and then I kind of go crazy! I'm kind of happy with this way of being, it seems to work for me at the moment. I even accept the non acceptance of the way things are, knowing that I?ll soon get frustrated and then take action, and that this action will be full of energy because I'll be so p***ed off. It's about working with the madness not against it!
My first snap and fear push was about 10 months ago after I split with my ex: I would walk around the streets every evening wondering how to connect with people and make friends. I couldn't figure it out. At least I couldn't figure out how I could do it with all my fear. I was scared I would never manage it. Then I found this group and it was just at around the same time that the bubble was about to pop. I forced my self to go to a meet up. Usually fear would hold me back but this time it seamed more like a friend than an enemy. I found my self all pumped up. This was my time, my break and nothing was going to stop me - NOTHING! So I set off for the meet, after finding the location, the old fear came back for a bit and I found my self hovering out side for about 10 minutes. Then a '**** it!' and a big in breath and I walked. I sat right in the middle of everyone, I was made so welcome. I felt like a kid who had just had the stabilisers removed from their bike and was shouting ?look I doing it I?m actually doing it!?. I wondered where the fear had gone but I came to realize that it was there but instead of resiting it I was going with it . I didn?t sleep for about 3 nights after, It was such a big deal for me. The following week I was still surfing the wave of fear. On the Monday I went to an anxiety group in London which is all about pushing through fears, on Tuesday I went to Five Rhymes (a free expression dance group) and on Wednesday back to BAF. At the London anxiety group I walked in late. I really felt unstoppable. I flung the door open and walked strait in . Almost as soon as I walked in I was asked to tell the group where I was at in life. At first I though **** to much to quick but then I started talking and I could stop. Again, I had the feeling 'I'm doing it I?m actually doing it'. It was so exiting, I felt I had broken a life time curse. It wasn't that the fear had disappeared but rather just allowed to be there. At five rhythms, I had a panic attack when we were asked to dance with someone but again, my attitude was good a panic attack: It's energy passion!
After some months this euphoric fear (madness!) subsided. I missed it but at the same time I needed the rest. But there was another bubble brewing (often I don't realise till it pops). When It popped I felt like God Ziller raging. I was ****ed, I was furious, furious with being so scared around women. My fear would make to so utterly useless around them that I would become weird and undesirable (at least, that's how it was seen at the time
). I instantly arranged 3 dates (vier a dating website), all over 3 days! The fear for these dates was horrible! After the first one I woke in the middle of the night hysterically shouting 'please no more dates!'. Was I pushing my self to hard? I think so. Such fear is based on trauma but i believe if we push to hard we retraumatise our selfs.
Despite this the date's went OK. The first one blew me out pretty quick, the second was boring because we couldn't connect and the third one is now a friend.
Things for me at the moment are pretty calm. I'm happy with my life and am enjoying playing with my self (no, not like that!), exploring my desires and how I relate with other. I feel there's a new stage about to start. I have my eye on: Biodanza dance and AUM Meditation . Both have groups in Brighton. I also have my eye on staying at osho leela
http://www.osholeela.co.uk/.